3.9.2010 by Sarah and the Chelsea Gang

Wild West Heroes complete with Villains, Damsels, Dashing Young Knights and All the other Parts (ATOP)

Part I

A damsel – but not just a damsel, this damsel is the most utterly beautiful and charming damsel ever EVER seen (played by Miss Gus – note star billing) is challenged and chased by a Wild Prairie Dog/Most Dirty and Dastardly Villain of the Worstest Possible Kind that you can EVER imagine/Charging Horse (the one and only TOM – don’t ever call me Tom Kitten again for I am not!) and All the other parts (ATOP)/extras/scenery/refreshments/make-up/hair and costume changes (Sydney Butterball Cat Detective).

One vaguely sunny morning (the sun has to be imagined a little) the damsel was attending to her toilette – nails, fur, necklace and thinking about whether to eat one tiny piece of meat or perhaps two biscuits and which way to lie on the rug for best effect WHEN along came the VILLAIN (his full title must be summarised due to time constraints). Suddenly, the damsel found herself in extreme and certain danger of life, death and bad fur day! Being of very small and delicate build (and, I have been asked to add – very thin) and most certainly not able to put up a fight against such a VILLANEOUS VILLAIN DARK KNIGHT, all that the damsel could do was RUN – run like the wind with her tail flowing behind her. The Villain chased and chased and huffed and puffed and suddenly, out of nowhere appeared ATOP; “Heeeaaaallllp” gasped our little heroine! “Hello Damsel, is it nearly breakfast time?” said ATOP.

“Must you always think of your stomach at a time like this?” retorted the damsel, most exasperated with ATOP; “in fact, if you must know, you should concentrate on your stomach, you are in serious need of some abs work, now you have taken up quite enough of my time and had your ‘tip of the day’, I must escape the VILLAIN, if you hadn’t noticed!”. ATOP was a little taken aback by all this but being of an amiable nature decided not to say anything much at all.

In the meantime, the VILLAIN had caught up with the damsel (after having collided with his Dad who was coming out of the bathroom and having had a quick flop and a tummy rub). “HA damsel, I have you in my clutches!!!” hissed the VILLAIN most menacingly!

Wild West Heroes (Part II)

Cast:
The most utterly beautiful and charming damsel ever EVER seen – Miss Gus
Wild Prairie Dog/Most Dirty and Dastardly Villain/Charging Horse – Tom
All the other parts (ATOP)/extras/scenery/refreshments/make-up/hair and costume changes – Sydney Butterball Cat Detective

Well dear reader, we last saw our little (uber-thin) and very beautiful heroine in such utter danger and in fear of her life not to mention her hairdo with the dastardly villain closing in on her. ‘Heeeeelllllppp!’ the damsel cried but to no avail! Then a strange whooshing noise was to be heard – she looked up anxiously, surely nothing else could go wrong – after all it was only just after breakfast time!

The damsel jumped up onto the banisters and then, bravely for it was a huge leap for the small one, leapt up to the sky light! She hung for a moment and then re-gained her balance and climbed through onto the roof. She blinked in the bright sunlight – damn in the chase she had lost her Prada shades – and there on the roof was a carpet, draped in huge, fluffy green blankets – and also a Captain wearing a peaked cap. ‘Morning ma’am, I was just on my way to collect Miss Flocke for a shopping trip when I heard your cries, hop on up and tell me all about it”.

Our little heroine did not hesitate – escape from the Villain and a shopping trip! ‘Quick ATOP’ she shouted, ‘throw up Dad’s Visa!’ The damsel caught the Visa deftly in her well manicured little paw and the flying carpet ascended gently. ‘Just sit back in your rug and relax’ said the Captain in his melodious voice; ‘the weather report is just fine and we will be cruising at an altitude of 29,000 feet. Luncheon will be served when we have collected Miss Flocke but in the meantime please help yourself to a pot of cream’. The damsel relaxed back in the plush green rug, looking down at the roof light where she could see the Villain gnashing his teeth and waving his huge paw ‘Grrrrhhhh – I’ll get you one day’ he snarled! The damsel felt a little sorry at leaving ATOP behind but she knew that this was what SHE deserved – a wonderful day out and shopping trip and to hell with the calories, she even had a lick at some cream!

It was only then that she took a closer look at the Captain; his fur was such a mix of strange colours – both pale and dark and really rather smudgy looking. Suddenly she remembered that she had seen him before, on a screen saver on a computer (computers becoming more and more used in the Wild West!).

Wild West Heroes (Part III)

As our Heroine reclined on her green rug sipping at a tiny pot of cream, all was not going so well for ATOP and the Dastardly Villain who were still looking at the roof light and the flying carpet which was becoming smaller and smaller before disappearing into the distance. It was true to say that the Villain was now in a FOUL temper – he had been outwitted by the Damsel and a stranger on a flying carpet – most unexpected and now what was he meant to do. ATOP was going to suggest a second or even third breakfast might be in order but decided to keep quiet; things could easily turn against her.

Now was the time for ATOP to use all her powers of deduction, persuasion, tact and wisdom. She could stop the Villain – all by herself – she just needed a cunning plan and she needed to come up with it in double-quick time, too! In the meantime, the Villain walked around and around in a circle and then settled down for a little nap – ATOP saw her chance and ran downstairs, almost silently, glancing back to check that the Villain was not following her.

Quickly she turned on the computer, glancing at the handsome fellow on the screen saver as she did, then after hitting the ANY key several times found the google button! Which search string to use? ‘Stopping Dastardly Villains’ did not yield much. Just then, there was a miaeow outside the back door – yeah, a Young Knight to the Rescue (played by Junior – the young cat who lives somewhere down the road).

‘Dashing Young Knight’ said ATOP, ‘you have no idea how pleased I am to see you! I really need your help to conquer the Villain – we need to come up with a plan ASAP whilst he is asleep and also the Damsel has flown off on a passing flying carpet, would you believe it?’ Well, the Dashing Young Knight was delighted to be part of a PLAN – he lives alone with his humans and is rather envious of the Gang of Three.

‘Well, let’s just have a small snack – it’s never a good idea to come up with a plan on an empty stomach’ said ATOP. ‘Excellent idea’ said the Dashing Young Knight ‘breakfast was hours and hours ago’ – well twenty minutes is a long time to a young cat’s tummy! After their snack break and after they had cleaned up, serious planning was about to commence, when came the sound that they had dreaded – footsteps! The Dark Knight aka Evil Villain was awake – oh big pants!

Wild West Heroes (Part IV)

Whilst ATOP and the Dashing Young Knight were frantically trying to come up with a cunning plan against the Evil Villain, our young and most heart-stoppingly beautiful heroine was in her element. Drifting somewhere over Europe, sipping some cream and then flying down into Nuremburg to collect Miss Flocke. Who was this Miss Flocke and what was this urgent shopping trip!

The Captain’s assistant had also started to prepare the lunch and all looked and smelt sooooo delicious – the Damsel had indeed declared a no diet day! With only the vaguest of bumps, the carpet had landed and Miss Flocke hopped aboard and introduced herself to the Damsel.

The Damsel was at first a little cool with Miss Flocke (it’s a women’s thing – sussing out the competition) but then she warmed to her as Miss Flocke explained that she was moving to the south of France ‘oh la la’ and needed some exquisitely chic outfits to fit right in! On hearing that, the Damsel was right in there with some good ideas and on the way to KaDeWi they became firm friends over a sumptuous lunch with fish, chicken and steak; Miss Damsel did ask for some salad but was told it was ‘off’ today.

Miss Flocke excitedly told the Damsel all her plans for her move South with her Beau, the handsome Russian, and the Damsel sighed, if only she had a beau and if only she was moving to the sunshine – what outfits she would wear, she would be sitting at the helm of a Riva boat with her beau, wearing a little stripey scarf. Miss Flocke bought her suddenly back from her dreams; ‘We are here, come on dreamy girl, time to hit the shops!’.

Miss Flocke and the Damsel had a ball at the shops; Miss Flocke purchased some beautiful outfits, many sun items and wonderful hats whilst the Damsel indulged herself with her favourites, accessories! There were so many bags and boxes that they both became a little tired and had to stop for a little glass of Champagne! During this time, Miss Flocke’s Handy started to ring, ring, ring. First it was the Captain, he had just received take off clearance and then it was Raspi the Russian Beau who was missing Flocke and had misplaced something important and only SHE would be able to find it (well, men are completely useless at finding anything).

Wearily, the girls headed back to the flying carpet where the Captain had laid out the fluffy rugs ready for them to nap on the way home. Kisses and tears and mobile numbers were exchanged at Nuremburg and then the Captain flew off again with our sleepy little heroine back to Chelsea.

Wild West Heroes (Part V)

Whilst the Damsel slept dreamily on her way home, ATOP and the Dashing Young Knight were faced with the dilemma of the Villain. He sauntered into the room, looking at ATOP and the Young Knight with a haughty expression on his fine roman nose; unfortunately this did not have the desired effect and the Young Knight let out an inadvertent snigger. The Villain rose up on his haunches to his full height, which was really quite impressive, and boomed; ‘Do you know who I am and how easy it would be for me to crush you’. The Young Knight was not entirely used to being spoken to like that and decided that he would not put up with it. As he started to draw breath and think up a suitable retort, ATOP decided it was time to step in.

‘Calm down boys and remember that this isn’t really the Wild West; it’s just Mum and Dad’s kitchen in Chelsea and we should all behave or we will be in trouble later and Junior you should go home before you are missed and’, she trailed off suddenly remembering that Gus was still missing. Oh double big pants – how was she going to fix that one – Dad will go really mad and his face will turn red and he will shout, louder than anyone!!!! As ATOP, who had indeed come out of character and was now sensible Sydney again, started to panic she heard cries from upstairs.

‘That’s Gus back!’ she exclaimed as they heard little footsteps and then saw Gus running into the kitchen with her fur billowing all around her, barely able to draw breath and speak. ‘Oh! Oh!’ she managed to squeak.

‘Here, have a drink of water and tell us what happened’, Sydney tried to soothe her and get her to breath deeply. Gus took a deep breath, ‘I have had the most magical day and met the most awesome bears and flew on a carpet and shopped till we dropped and, and‘ – again she stopped as she took in the disbelieving faces around her.

Her face fell a little as she realised that they would never believe her magical adventure, but deep down she knew it was real and she would never forget a moment of it.

All four cats looked a little crestfallen at this stage but once again Sydney took control and tore open several packets of Felix which they all enjoyed, well all except for Gus – well a girl can only eat so much in one day!